The Diary C'est La Vie - Broken Strings

Dear Diary,

Something had bothered me and it was not the first time I came across with such word of mouth. My instinct told me the same and that was not the first time either. What should I do? It happened again. Is it true all this time? Or had I become in vain??

We, were never a “WE “ anymore. I left him for a reason and him, for one reason. For such an inevitable raison d'être that we could not do anything but to leave with such good terms. Knowing on each side, a promise secretly vowed, if things would go as smoothly as time flies, we may someday be together with god’s will , we hoped.

Is it just me?? or it’s because we were once “soulmates”, that I could feel him….. Somehow distracted to what was unknown to me when evidence leave no trails. I hushed the little voice that whispers deep inside, not wanting to believe, not wanting to accuse. Eventually, it came, blown the truth of despair. You never gave me answers, yet let me discover.

I’ve made my decisions. I tend not to turn.

Thank you for all those moments,

thank you for the all the love

and thank you for the care.

We may once vowed for what may be impossible…

it all ends today,

the journey of our dreams.

“Truth hurts but lies are worse!”

~Broken Strings~ James Morrison feat Nelly Furtado

Let me hold you
For the last time
It's the last chance to feel again
But you broke me
Now I can't feel anything

When I love you,
It's so untrue
I can't even convince myself
When I'm speaking,
It's the voice of someone else

Oh it tears me up
I try to hold on, but it hurts too much
I try to forgive, but it's not enough to make it all okay

You can't play on broken strings
You can't feel anything that your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that ain't real

Oh the truth hurts
And lies worse
How can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before

Oh what are we doing
We are turning into dust
Playing house in the ruins of us

Running back through the fire
When there's nothing left to save
It's like chasing the very last train when it's too late

Oh it tears me up
I try to hold on, but it hurts too much
I try to forgive, but it's not enough to make it all okay

You can't play on broken strings
You can't feel anything that your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell something that ain't real

Well the truth hurts,
And lies worse
How can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before

But we're running through the fire
When there's nothing left to save
It's like chasing the very last train
When we both know it's too late (too late)

You can't play on broken strings
You can't feel anything that your heart don't want to feel
I cant tell you something that ain't real

Well truth hurts,
And lies worse
How can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before


Let me hold you for the last time
It's the last chance to feel again

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El - Owe - You - Vee

Helleeww…. I think I’m in love.

LOVE…

Complicating yet Irresistable.

I had once loved a man and I thought there would be a happy ending. Unfortunately, He wasn’t mine. I knew it won’t last long to realize that it took a lot more than courage….

and time…….. and patience…..to stay in a relationship like this so I tried to moved on.

Searching for a new love isn’t an easy task. Having met a few others, none was a better person than the previous one. Well, to be honest, I like older men, not too old but mature. The one who could think maturely, who could lead me to a better life, the one who is settled…and I don’t mean in terms of financially {hmm..maybe a lil’ bit on that}, but more to what he thinks of life is.

Ironically, my environment is forcing me to change my perspective in men. I have to face reality. More young men came vibrantly around my life and it’s like feasting on new meat for dinner. Okay, I’m a tad exaggerating with that. Well, my point is, I had no choice. It’s like what they said…”the good husband type of guys were taken, the single available ones are either young, immature or worst, the ones you thought could be perfect…… are fags.” {okay, I added up a bit with that quote but then, you know what I mean, right?}

Anyway, experimenting my feelings toward the younger ones, I could only let myself liking them. Some things are just not there. I mean, hey! some of them are cute, and I even almost thought that I really liked this one guy, whom, almost looked like the person I had emotionally-confusing-unsettling “friendship” that I had involved a long time ago. Getting to know this guy, was somehow a thrill at first but melts away as time goes by. I could not react comfortably around him and the hardest thing is… he is young. Not only young in the sense of his features but the way he thinks, he talks and the way he is around me.. He is YOUNG in everything!!! In fact, it makes me feel older than I am supposed to be. Going 30 doesn’t mean you’re already 30 right? *wink*

Anyhow, back to what I had said in the first line…..I am in love. Yes.. falling in love again… with the same person that I shouldn’t have been with before… I’m still in love with him. And before, anyone says anything, Nope.. not in the sense that I’m back to the relationship { hopefully not!!} but for the time being, it’s more to the fact that.. .. my feelings for him had never faded and I am still in love with him. Not a single person has ever compared and it’s very hard to find a new love just like we had.

As they all said, “Love is blind” so I guess you only need sticks to get you around… so probably I need to search my stick then. :p.

The End.:p

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Madamoiselle: The diary #9

The Diary ~ C'est La Vie ~

Dear Diary,

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day.
Love is in the air.
I am still with my own self
Single…Alone….Available….
And in his place is irreplaceable.

Empty!
Such a feeling is inevitable.
When loneliness creeps,
And those endless nights to sleep,
Memories came,
Just like a movie.. so to speak.

Am not desperate,
Neither am I in a hurry,
But isn’t it nice
to have somebody to share
and have all the love and care?

Star Light, Star Bright
First Star I see tonight
I wish I may
I wish I might
My loving star will come tonight. :p

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Madamoiselle & her Backdated Updates pt II

The Diary ~ C'est La Vie ~

-=[1-11-2007 ~ 20:50 ]=-

Dear Diary,

I had a dream. I dreamt of Mr. X. Two days in a row, I dreamt of him. It was like reminiscing the precious moments we had together. In the dream, we met at our first place we fell in love, far away from home. I don’t know why I was dreaming of him. I thought I was over him. I was sure I had closed my heart for him and had opened another to someone else. I knew my feelings towards the other one had grown, over which I felt it was beyond my feelings for Mr.X. Then again, I dreamt of him last night. It was weird. In the dream, we were closer than ever. He held me tight and I felt the warmth-protective feeling I’ve always had with him before. Very comfortable and I felt safe. Safe in his arms. But it was just a dream.

I recently told a friend, “When you closed a door of your heart to someone, doesn’t mean that it would shut tight forever. Cause the memories will always be there, even when you opened another door for someone else.” Thinking back, I realized those words were actually meant for me. It’s true; it’s hard to forget First Love. I still couldn’t find anyone in my whole life a better person than who he is. I know nobody is perfect. Mr. X was not perfect either. But he had been perfect towards me, compared with all that I’ve met. I knew, I would never find anyone like him….Sigh!

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

James Blunt - Goodbye My Lover

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Madamoiselle & The Diary #7

:: The Diary C'est La Vie ::

Dear Diary,

I'm not feeling well today. No, I'm not sick. I'm just hurt. Okay, it's more of being disappointed that is. Disappointed of myself, disappointed of him. It's a heartache to know somebody, you thought you knew him too well but you just don't understand him. So predictable yet confusing.

Last night, I could not sleep. I feel terrible. I said something harsh to him. I accused him a liar, half jokingly though. But it seems that he took it badly. He sounded hurt. By why would he, I could not understand. He knows who he is. He knows, he hides truth. And he never admits. Ego? Probably. All I know, I cared about him. Even when he lied. I wish he'd stop. I wish he would just tell the truth. How could he expect anyone to trust him if he trusts no one.

I am in an obvious doubt. I could not tell him. I could not do anything. I could not tell him that his lies would hurt him sooner or later. I don't want him to get hurt. But he would turn the table if i do tell him. He would accuse me for being a pessimist. And I'm not. All I wanted is the truth. All I wanted is an explanation. Everything that happens have a reason. Even God has a reason when He created Adam and Eve. So why can't he ever give any reasons. Why can't he tell so others can understand. Why???

I wish he could be more open. He once said he's afraid of getting hurt. Who doesn't? But being hurt makes you a better person. Nobody can escape from being hurt. I wish he could understand that. I wish he could understand more about life. I wish he knew, there are bigger things in life that could hurt anybody , anytime even if we don't want it to happen. Oh, how it hurts me that I cared about him so much. Am I a fool for ever liking him?

Now, I'm hurt. How can he handle big things when he couldn't handle a small one? Will I ever feel the same about him after this? :(

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Madamoiselle & The Diary #6

:: The Diary ~ C'est La Vie ::

Dear Diary,

It's about two weeks to go for Ramadhan, and two more weeks before Hari Raya. Yipee!! Though..........I am not so happy to leave Ramadhan just yet. This year has been a bless for me. I love this holy month, kind of a bit different from the Ramadhans I had before. Not sure why, but it's the greatest holy month so far. You see, there's nothing special happening during these times as to compared to any other years. I think it's just the feeling that I have inside me. I think, I have just finally enjoyed and accepted the good vibes of Ramadhan. Alhamdulillah. Probably, I've finally settled on accepting the experiences that I have lost and just looking forward for what I can only have. Not that I ever complaint anything about it before. It's just that, every year since then, I used to feel "LONELY".

I remember having those happy moments every kid would have, celebrating the festive season after Ramadhan. I remember, every morning of the first day of Raya, my sibblings and I would line up an asked for forgiveness from our parents and from each other. I remember, we used to visit our families and friends together as a whole. It used to be full of laughters and happiness. It used to be fun. Time flies so fast, and things changed. People changed and so are our lives. Everyone has grown up and each of us have our own paths. As much as I have wanted the good old times to happen, it would never be the same. The pain we all had gone through for the last decade, hasn't fully vanished from each and every hearts. So sad! So Sad! I may have ignored the pain. I may have accepted the fate. But has everyone else?

For many years, I did not show my true feelings, for many years I felt so lonely, I just kept on my own, as long as everyone else is happy. Every year, I've sacrificed one party to make the other, happy. Every year, I wished, the others would just forgive and accept what has all been happening. Every year, I hoped I would find somebody and run away from being a solitaire. With all the people around me, Loneliness never left. Even when I thought I've finally found my Soulmate. The loneliness still creeps in me as my soulmate was never meant to be mine.

This year, as I've said, maybe this year have changed. Even though, the surroundings in me are still the same, even though I am no longer with my soulmate and even though the solitude feeling still comes and go, I no longer care about it that much. I think I have accepted that being lonely is a part of me now. A part of me that makes me stronger, the part of me that keeps me ahead. For sure, it is a part of me that opened my heart to learn more about Life!

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Madamosielle & The Diary #5 ** Cherishing Mr Past **

:: The Diary ~ C'est La Vie ::

Dear Diary,

Mr. Past messaged me the other day. He was Outstation. We joked and we’re still friends. I miss him. But not as much as I missed him like before. Is it fading? Don’t think so. We chat and laughed. Then I popped a stupid question. “Do you still love me?” Silence. “Yes” he said, “I’ve always been in love with you.” Our conversation turned serious. He told me if he could turn back time , if he could change what things had been, if things weren’t so complicated, he’d married me. I cried. I knew he meant it. I knew he was sincere. I knew him well. I knew too, he’s just not too strong enough. I shouldn’t have asked the question. It provoked me too deep.

It’s ironic, when you thought you’ve found your soulmate, he is not the person that you can be with…forever. It’s so sad to know that, first love, was never meant to be your last. Love is such a complicating thing. Even Romeo and Juliet could not define the greatness of love and so the end of their suicidal act.

So dear diary,

I wish him well. I wish him happiness. Let our love be forever cherished between us without any of us killing ourselves :p.

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Madamoiselle & The Dairy #4 **Mr Future**

:: The Diary - C'est La Vie ::

Dear Diary,

Mr Future is such an unpredictable lad. As irritating his mood swings can sometimes be, his charm has never slipped off from making me a dumb princess of love. Not good! Not good! He is just a friend. He has always been a friend. Yes, stop it! Don't let his charm fool the lady in me.

His smile!
Just looking at his smile, often makes my gloomy days shine.
A day without his smile, is like breathing without air. Is it that bad? Nah! Well sort of.....
Just a lil' bit. Boy! Tis not good.

His laughter!
Just hearing his laughter, never fails to wipe out the growing lines of my face.
A day without his laughter, is like living in hell without fire. Not HOT you see!

Mr Future has a confusing state of mind. I'm bad but it's true! And his confusions has always lead me to my multiple orgasms of confusions. Sick? It sure is. But love has always been so blind.

Mr Future has never seemed to make me understand. Why of all people, I tend to see him deep within. He's not better than Mr Past himself but is more of an opposite at most ways.
Still, Could i deny what i feel about him? Pathetically, NO!

So dear diary, I'm so Vain! I should know what to do but it just give me pain.
Reasonable doubts, the heart is insane.... To love him or to not to love....

Hate That I Love You

[Rihanna:]
Thats how much as I love you
Thats how much as I need you
And I cant stand you
Must everything you do make me wanna smile
Can I not like you for a while? (No....)

[Ne-Yo:]
You wont let me
You upset me girl
And then you kiss my lips
All of a sudden I forgive (that I was upset)
Can't remember what you did

[Rihanna:]
But I hate...
You know exactly what to do
So that I cant stay mad at you
For too long thats wrong

[Ne-Yo:]
But I hate...
You know exactly how to touch
So that I dont want to fuss.. and fight no more
Said I despise that i adore you

[Rihanna:]
And i hate how much i love you boy (yeah...)
I cant stand how much I need you (I need you...)
And I hate how much I love you boy (oooh whoa..)
But I just cant let you go
And I hate that I love you so (oooh..)

[Ne-Yo:]
You completely know the power that you have
The only one makes me laugh

[Rihanna:]
Said its not fair
How you take advantage of the fact
That I love you beyond the reason why
And it just aint right

[Ne-Yo:]
And I hate how much I love you girl
I cant stand how much I need you (yeah..)
And I hate how much I love you girl
But I just cant let you go
But I hate that I love you so

[Both:]
One of these days maybe your magic wont affect me
And your kiss wont make me weak
But no one in this world knows me the way you know me
So you'll probably always have a spell on me...

[Ne-Yo:]
Yeaahhh... Oohh...

[Rihanna:]
Thats how much i love you (as much as I need you)
Thats how much as I need you (oooh..)
Thats how much I love you (oh..)
Thats how much as I need you

[Rihanna:]
And I hate that i love you soooo
And I hate how much i love you boy
I cant stand how much I need ya (cant stand how much I need you)
And I hate how much I love you boy
But I just cant let you go (but I just cant let you go no..)
And I hate that I love you so

And I hate that I love you so.. soo.....

*Rihanna Featuring Ne Yo*

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Madamoiselle & The Diary #3 **The Past, Present & The Future**

:: The Dairy - C'est La vie ::

Dear Diary,

I’m confused.
Confused about my feelings….
I’m stuck between a past and a future.

A past that I loved so much,
A past that I’m very comfortable with,
but never had the past fully mine.

A future that I begin to care,
so much no one understands,
the future that makes me laugh
but the future had always played with my heart.

I’m in vain.
Past has always been there for me.
Future has been there when I am needed.
Past has always been committed
but the future never commits.

What am I to do?
They say, I had to leave the past,
but they also say,
the future was never meant for me either.

Then what shall I do?
I couldn’t turn back but..
I couldn’t move forward
as future keeps blocking my way.

The Present,
Where are you?
I need to find my present.
If only present could help me,
then I could no longer look
for the past nor the future.

Help me find my present
Help me find my happiness…….
Help me find my beliefs
That happily ever after
is not just a myth.

Continue reading...

Still Here

p.s : Read the dairy below then play this song :)

C'est Lavie - The Diary #2

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Madamoiselle & The Diary #2 ** Still here **

:: C'est Lavie - The Diary ::

Dear Diary,

I can’t sleep. Something bothers me. I tried to close my eyes but I couldn’t settle my mind. That Song! I heard a song. A husky voice singing in me, inside me, repeating itself like a never ending chorus. I tossed and turned, the song just won’t stop. I opened my eyes. The room was dark. But the song still played continuously and my heart started to beat. I felt unease. As I closed my eyes again, flashes of images coming to my mind. I saw him. Standing there, smiling. I grabbed his arms and we started to walk on the cobblestone pavement. It was cold that night so I held on tight. The time was already 12am and we could hear bells ringing in the background of the old town. We didn’t talk, but we smiled the whole way. Smiled because we know we’re happy. Happy for the company of each other, and happy for a story that had just begun. That night, we knew, we fell in love.

I got up from bed, searching for my phone in the dark. What time is it? Oh, 1.30 am. I still can’t sleep. The song didn’t leave me either. It’s still in my head. Why doesn’t it stop? It’s not our song! We never knew this song! God help me. I need to sleep. I lay back on my pillow, thinking, what’s wrong with me? Why do I have flashes of him? Why am I remembering him? I left him. I knew he was not meant for me. I knew this whole relationship was not for us. And I knew, he had always loved me. And I knew I do too. It’s all a mess. I thought separation was the only thing that can make us happy. He thought so too. Why? Why must I fall in love with someone who was so perfect to me but was never meant to be mine!! I didn’t ask him to leave her. Never did. I just want to be part of his life. I’m willing to sacrifice myself in sharing his love, his passion, his concerns, his responsibility, his gentle charm, everything of him but he was just too weak. Too weak to uphold our sincerity. We thought we could get through it. The wedding, it was supposed to happen last year, but was postponed so many times till I can’t wait no more. I’m sorry dad; I couldn’t seem to make you happy. I know you’ve waited for this a long time and I know you liked him. Everyone does. But he’s just not mine. He was hers. And always been hers.

I closed my eyes, tears trickling down my cheek. I knew why I couldn’t sleep tonight. I missed him. I missed him a lot. And the song…… plays in my head. Still!

:: Still here ::

You looked at me and saw what I never could see
You made me feel more than I thought I could ever be
And when I needed a friend you were always there to lift me up
To make me strong
You're not gone

You're still here
With me all the time
You're still here
When I close my eyes
I still see you
I still feel you
And we'll never be apart
You're still here
Still here in my heart
In my heart

Because of you I knew how it felt to be loved
You made me feel beautiful 'cause you believed I was
And I will never forget how you touched my life
You made me feel like I belong
You live on

You're still here
With me all the time
You're still here
When I close my eyes
I still see you
I still feel you
And we'll never be apart
You're still here
Still here in my heart
In my heart

All my life
You'll be in my life
You'll be part of me
I'll just think of you and you'll still be
You'll still be here

Still here
You're with me all the time
You'll still be here
Still here
When I close my eyes
I still see you
I still feel you
And we'll never be apart
You're still here in my heart

You're still...
I still feel you
And we'll never be apart
You're still here in my heart
In my heart
In my heart
In my heart
Still here

** Natasha Bedingfield **

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Madamoiselle & The diary **Learning Life**

:: The Diary - C'est Lavie ::

" Dear Diary, It's a saturday. And it's a holiday! A public holiday for Isra' Mikraj. What i'll be doing today? No plans yet. Made lunch just now and had a brunch. Woke up late and it's already too late for breakfast. So made myself food and ate with the maids. Parents not home. Had gone out for something. I was never to know whats on in the homies. I was hardly home that's why. Even if i did, I'll be in my room, doing my own thing, a loner, a solitude...that's been my life these few years. A different person at home, another life outside. Why is that so? Life has been tough. Life taught me to prevent unnecessary things. Why talk? When talk can just give you pain. Being quite is just the solution. Mind my own business and i don't need to bear the things i don't want to hear or see. I don't want to cry. I just do what makes me happy. And that's all happening, in my room and outside home. Poor dad, I love him, but i just can't get through him anymore. Everyone else left him, I cannot leave him. He's my dad, and he's in pain. We are all in pain for years. But it's not all his fault. It's fate. God create this situation.. to make us all strong at heart, to teach us, not to forget in happiness but to remember in sorrow. That's how people learn. Learn from our mistakes....that we should know! Yet,not everyone knows and thats why pains never heals. And all is left.....are answers kept in heart, never brought up questions that can lead to fear. Fear of breaking hearts. Fear of Sorrow. Fear of the Past. I got to go. I'll write to you soon. Good bye!"

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