Saturday, September 29, 2007

Madamoiselle & The Diary #6

:: The Diary ~ C'est La Vie ::

Dear Diary,

It's about two weeks to go for Ramadhan, and two more weeks before Hari Raya. Yipee!! Though..........I am not so happy to leave Ramadhan just yet. This year has been a bless for me. I love this holy month, kind of a bit different from the Ramadhans I had before. Not sure why, but it's the greatest holy month so far. You see, there's nothing special happening during these times as to compared to any other years. I think it's just the feeling that I have inside me. I think, I have just finally enjoyed and accepted the good vibes of Ramadhan. Alhamdulillah. Probably, I've finally settled on accepting the experiences that I have lost and just looking forward for what I can only have. Not that I ever complaint anything about it before. It's just that, every year since then, I used to feel "LONELY".

I remember having those happy moments every kid would have, celebrating the festive season after Ramadhan. I remember, every morning of the first day of Raya, my sibblings and I would line up an asked for forgiveness from our parents and from each other. I remember, we used to visit our families and friends together as a whole. It used to be full of laughters and happiness. It used to be fun. Time flies so fast, and things changed. People changed and so are our lives. Everyone has grown up and each of us have our own paths. As much as I have wanted the good old times to happen, it would never be the same. The pain we all had gone through for the last decade, hasn't fully vanished from each and every hearts. So sad! So Sad! I may have ignored the pain. I may have accepted the fate. But has everyone else?

For many years, I did not show my true feelings, for many years I felt so lonely, I just kept on my own, as long as everyone else is happy. Every year, I've sacrificed one party to make the other, happy. Every year, I wished, the others would just forgive and accept what has all been happening. Every year, I hoped I would find somebody and run away from being a solitaire. With all the people around me, Loneliness never left. Even when I thought I've finally found my Soulmate. The loneliness still creeps in me as my soulmate was never meant to be mine.

This year, as I've said, maybe this year have changed. Even though, the surroundings in me are still the same, even though I am no longer with my soulmate and even though the solitude feeling still comes and go, I no longer care about it that much. I think I have accepted that being lonely is a part of me now. A part of me that makes me stronger, the part of me that keeps me ahead. For sure, it is a part of me that opened my heart to learn more about Life!

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